August 2, 2015

where has time gone | mom life

As I sit here so many words and thoughts race through my head yet to get them out seems impossible.  I write a few words trying to get a sentence out but the words just don’t come, so I erase and try again. My nerves are just bound up so tight I can’t think. The tears flow freely but in a sense are a good release.  You ask why am I all worked up?! August 2, 2012 is a day that will forever be burned in my memory and not as a good memory on the surface. I can tell you minute by minute the events of that day starting a 12:00am. There are particular times in this day that just take my breath away and sometimes I wish those memories would fade to ease the pain. It is on this date 3 years ago I lost my first born, my precious child Trevor. At that moment, a part of me died with him. I was in disbelief, he was only 2 ½ years old, he had hardly begun to experience life and yet he was gone from this Earth.
Wow! 3 years!! Even though it seems like yesterday you left my arms…at the same time it feels like an eternity. I wonder how tall you would have grown to be, what would your favorite foods be, what activities would you enjoy, how would you and Hunter play together(the sweet times and the boyish boxing spats) and how much you would have taught him…so many questions on my mind. Losing a child you do not only lose the past memories but the future memories every parent longs for their child….the 1st day of school, school dances, graduations, marriage.

So what does today mean to me?

Today is hard, no denying it. Today my heart will ache for my child. But in all my pain, I refuse to sink! Instead I look for sunshine within my sadness. I had 2 ½ amazing years with my little love! I would not trade that time for anything, it’s my treasure kept in my heart. Living life through eyes of your child is beautiful. They are free spirits, they aren’t weighed down with the stress we put on ourselves as adults…we can learn so much from our children!

You ask how can I find happiness in this tragedy of my life? I choose to! I choose to live in the sunshine! Faith makes that possible! My faith keeps me sane, keeps me looking for the beauty in life, and keeps me grounded when my world wants to fall apart! Trevor was in many rooms of the hospital but the last room we were placed in was #316. Some may see the it as just a number, through my faith I saw it as a sign from the Lord above strengthening my beliefs in Him, for me every time I walked through the door I could not help but recite the bible verse John 3:16

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

I will continue to celebrate your life today & everyday!! Love you my sweet Trevor <3
xoxo ~ Mommie

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- Lilly Pulitzer

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